In the midst of all the big things happening, the enemy is still prowling. In the midst of our excitement there is still struggle.
When I first started this blog, the goal was to be transparent. To share the joys and the big stuff but also the struggles and the hard stuff. Since the loss of our sweet baby and other trials we have faced, I have been struggling. And I usually keep it all bottled up, tucked neatly away. The grief, the hurt, the heart ache. I let it show on occasion…but not much. It usually just comes out in exhaustion.
And I lie to myself about it being there in the first place.
Then it surfaces in negativity and being snippy with those I’m closest too. I lash out, get overwhelmed easily, and I want to give up (which is the point isn’t it??).
On my drive home from work today, the radio was fading in and out. I would think it was clear and then moments later and it was all fuzz again. I grabbed a CD out of the visor and put it into the player without really paying attention. Tenth Avenue North. Hmmm…good choice, I thought. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to them.
And then this song, Worn, came on. And I broke. It was like he was speaking the words that have been hiding in my heart for months.
“I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up…”
“Let me know the struggle ends…
Cause I’m worn
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’ve lost my will to fight
Heaven come and flood my eyes.”
I realize that in comparison to some, my life is rainbows and butterflies. But, now, on the days when the enemy does his best to destroy my spirit, I am drowning. I’m struggling. And I’m not okay.
But I want to be okay. I know that He can give me rest. I know that He is the source of my joy. I know that He will take all of my pain and use it for good, so much good.
But goodness, some days it is hard.
There is pain on this voyage.
But in the end there is victory. A song will rise from the ashes. This, I know.