The voyage never really looks like what we expect. I’m sure you’ve heard the line, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” It’s pretty accurate. I remember starting this blog and being SO excited for what He had in store. But then nothing happens. And life gets really hard. And…wait, I’ve written this before.
Following in His footsteps is so hard. And I know the process, the journey, the voyage….whatever you want to call it….I know it’s meant to grow me, to pull me closer to Him, to make me closer to His likeness. But I want it to be easy. Goodness gracious, I want it to be easy.
Life pulls me 500 different directions. Being a mom, working, church ministry, the day-to-day to-do list (laundry, dishes, budget, etc.)…it’s never ending. And through all of that, we are supposed to maintain relationships and further the kingdom. And sometimes I just can’t do it.
And I know, it’s not through my own power, it’s through His that I can make it all happen. But, how – how do I just give it all to Him. I try to rest, to relax in His presence and I feel guilty for not doing anything. For not cleaning. For not reading more Scripture. For not focusing more on my sweet child. For not being happy that I have so many great things. For being overwhelmed. For just wanting a break.
And I realize, even as I type, that there is a spiritual battle in my life. And I know that’s probably more than half the battle. But it’s never ending. And it keeps coming. And I can’t catch a break. It’s either money, or health, or relationships, or just plain old discouragement.
It. just. keeps. coming.
And I’m coming unraveled.
I want to give up. I want to throw my hands up and walk away from all of it. To run away and never look back. It’s too hard. It’s too much. But I can’t. I have to keep working, keep smiling, keep going.
And I will. I can. He can. Even though I’m a complete mess, even though I don’t have it all together – He is still there. He’s holding me, walking beside me, encouraging me.
Who am I kidding? I don’t have this figured out. I don’t know that I ever will.
But He loves me anyway. Thank God for that. Thank goodness He loves me through the good and the bad. He loves me through the mess. He loves me. Unconditionally. Without expectation. He loves me.
….even when I’m unraveled.
And that’s what keeps me going.